Devastation

Holy crap! So this last weekend I felt some burning when I was emptying my bladder. You probably already know where this is going. I thought it was just a bladder infection, but it kept getting worse, then the side of my penis started to hurt so I went to the doctor. He asks me some questions, takes a look, and says, “Looks like Herpes.”

WHAT THE FUCK!?!

How could I possibly have Herpes? I know I have Herpes Type 1; everybody does, unless you’re Amish, but this is my penis we’re talking about. I’m not exactly high risk, either. I use protection, I’ve had far fewer partners than pretty much everyone I know, and I discuss STDs with all my partners beforehand. This isn’t supposed to happen to me. I was smart about things, damnit.

There’s still a chance that it might not be Herpes Type 2, though (which is the genital kind). Chicken Pox is a type of Herpes, and my doctor said it tends to live in the nerves in the rib cage, sometimes coming out and manifesting itself as a rash on the side of the abdomen. I have a rash there right now that showed up at the same time. I also got a cold sore (which is caused by Type 1 for those not in the know). The doctor says it’s possible that one of those could be causing the sores, so I had a blood test done. I won’t know the results until Friday, though.

I spent a lot of time going through the different stages of loss after my appointment on Saturday. I denied it, thinking that it must be something else. I got really angry. Who could have given this to me?! I bargained: What if I’d insisted on documentation from my partners. I got really depressed, and oh did I get depressed. I’m still eating comfort food like there’s no tomorrow. And now I want to accept it, but I’m still hanging onto a shred of hope that it’s something else.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I got it from, too. The doctor said it didn’t look anything like a first-time breakout, so it most likely didn’t come from Nancy. That means it probably came from my ex-wife or the girl I was dating before I met my ex. The silly thing is that there’s no way to know. You can’t test for Herpes unless you’re having a Herpes outbreak, and many people carry it and never have one. More than likely, whoever gave it to me didn’t know they had it. I want to be angry at them, but I just can’t.

For now, I just have to wait for the results on Friday and for the symptoms to pass. I can’t wait for this to clear up. HOLY JESUS BUTTFUCK does it hurt to pee right now!! I’m genuinely afraid to use the bathroom because I never know how badly it’s going to burn or sting. Once it literally knocked me off my feet and against the wall. Plus, what you never read in the books is how the wound smells; it’s like death.

I think the worst part for me is knowing how this is going to affect my love/sex life. I’ll have to communicate this to my partners, and although I know that it won’t change everyone’s mind, it’s going to make my already limited options even moreso.

ablaze, this lecherous religion
what graven truth? and lay waste
I care not