Jealousy, Part 1: Systemic Inequalities in Education and Finance

My theme for this week is going to be jealousy.

I was always jealous of the kids that got to just be students. You either know the type or you are the type. I wanted to be able to focus on school for a few years and nothing else. I wanted to be ignorant and not know what the world was really like and get caught up in all the academic sensationalism, but like many of you I couldn’t. My parents couldn’t afford to help me pay for my education and financial aid was unavailable.

In our society we have a myth that one can achieve whatever they want if they just work hard enough. We do things to convince ourselves that this is true. For example, we set up this Financial Aid system to supposedly help those less fortunate, but what does it really accomplish? It artificially inflates tuition and puts those disadvantaged into debt for a good chunk of their lives. Plus, there are huge cracks in the system; as an example, they assume that anyone with parents is going to receive help from them.

My parents made pretty decent money, but they had a bankruptcy to pay off, leaving nothing to help me, not that they would have anyway. Plus, because of that bankruptcy they couldn’t co-sign on any loans, which meant I had to work two or three jobs to save up for next semester’s tuition.

Holding down two or three jobs meant I didn’t have time to study. I could never attend a Saturday study group or get buddy-buddy with my professors during their office hours. I couldn’t afford that naive idealism that lends rise to student protests and activism; I was too busy trying to find a minute or two to do homework. And the whole thing left me so exhausted that I would eventually get overwhelmed from time to time and everything would suffer. Going through this whole process while bipolar didn’t help, either.

I am extremely envious of these kids that got to “experience” college. Most of them went right through, not having to take a break from school for lack of tuition. They find themselves with head starts on jobs, no debt, and the whole world available to them, while the rest of us are left to claw our way through the system, out of debt, and spend the rest of our lives trying to catch up. (I’m going to skip the lecture on how economic disparities constantly worsen over time and the other lecture on how wealth breeds more wealth.)

I’m jealous of these people to the point of loathing, and it’s tied very closely with my bipolar disorder. When I’m thinking these hateful, negative thoughts it tends to happen when I’m in the low part of my cycle. Oh, the crazy, stupid things I think of doing, like I need to take revenge, like I deserve something more, like life could have been any different. I know I’m not the only one, though.

We can’t all be CEOs, after all, or there won’t be anyone left to produce anything. All the wealth we pay our leaders is obtained at the expense of those that produce it. No, I’m not a communist or a socialist. I just think our society is sick, and that, I know, is what lends rise to my jealousy.

Tomorrow I’ll talk a bit about a sexier kind of jealousy. Stay tuned.

half-green hills