My Tragic Fate

This has been a crappy week. In fact, the last time things were this bad was when my ex and I decided to split (the week of my birthday).So this week: First, I find out that I probably have genital Herpes. Next, I lost my tennis partner. Nancy has been complaining that I haven’t been making enough time for her (even though when we do have time all she wants to do is play Second Life). And now my finances have hit rock bottom and I’m moving back in with my parents. This sucks.

The other day I went to check my account balance, and it was in the negative by quite a bit. See, I only went over a little bit, but I use my debit card all the time, so my $1 drink at 7-11 ended up costing me $35, and on and on. Thankfully, my parents bailed me out, yet again, but I looked at my budget and I can’t afford to do this any more. I’m leaking about $450 per month living on my own, and that’s just paying the bills, and buying gas and food. That doesn’t even include other necessities like car maintenance or deoderant, stuff like that. So in all, I am screwed. Thus, I decided to move back in with my parents.

This is not something I ever wanted to do again. After 10 years of living on my own, I’m going to be living under the same roof as my parents, which sucks for a number of reasons. First, spending time with my narcissistic mother is exhausting, and I try to only do it in short bursts. It’s going to be extra difficult if I’m living with her. Second, living with parents isn’t exactly a turn-on for women. Plus, even if I did meet a cool girl, sex is completely out of the question at my parents’, and I probably couldn’t even have her over to hang out. Finally, it’s just going to be hard to have privacy. I love walking around without my pants (’cause pants suck), and obviously that’ll be a thing of the past.

Anyway, I’ll be out of my place in a month. Damn, does life suck. I’m feeling very angry and disconnected. Everything’s kind of fuzzy right now, and I’m just not sure what’s going to happen. Hopefully this will help me get a grip on things.

in a grave-flower haze

Devastation

Holy crap! So this last weekend I felt some burning when I was emptying my bladder. You probably already know where this is going. I thought it was just a bladder infection, but it kept getting worse, then the side of my penis started to hurt so I went to the doctor. He asks me some questions, takes a look, and says, “Looks like Herpes.”

WHAT THE FUCK!?!

How could I possibly have Herpes? I know I have Herpes Type 1; everybody does, unless you’re Amish, but this is my penis we’re talking about. I’m not exactly high risk, either. I use protection, I’ve had far fewer partners than pretty much everyone I know, and I discuss STDs with all my partners beforehand. This isn’t supposed to happen to me. I was smart about things, damnit.

There’s still a chance that it might not be Herpes Type 2, though (which is the genital kind). Chicken Pox is a type of Herpes, and my doctor said it tends to live in the nerves in the rib cage, sometimes coming out and manifesting itself as a rash on the side of the abdomen. I have a rash there right now that showed up at the same time. I also got a cold sore (which is caused by Type 1 for those not in the know). The doctor says it’s possible that one of those could be causing the sores, so I had a blood test done. I won’t know the results until Friday, though.

I spent a lot of time going through the different stages of loss after my appointment on Saturday. I denied it, thinking that it must be something else. I got really angry. Who could have given this to me?! I bargained: What if I’d insisted on documentation from my partners. I got really depressed, and oh did I get depressed. I’m still eating comfort food like there’s no tomorrow. And now I want to accept it, but I’m still hanging onto a shred of hope that it’s something else.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I got it from, too. The doctor said it didn’t look anything like a first-time breakout, so it most likely didn’t come from Nancy. That means it probably came from my ex-wife or the girl I was dating before I met my ex. The silly thing is that there’s no way to know. You can’t test for Herpes unless you’re having a Herpes outbreak, and many people carry it and never have one. More than likely, whoever gave it to me didn’t know they had it. I want to be angry at them, but I just can’t.

For now, I just have to wait for the results on Friday and for the symptoms to pass. I can’t wait for this to clear up. HOLY JESUS BUTTFUCK does it hurt to pee right now!! I’m genuinely afraid to use the bathroom because I never know how badly it’s going to burn or sting. Once it literally knocked me off my feet and against the wall. Plus, what you never read in the books is how the wound smells; it’s like death.

I think the worst part for me is knowing how this is going to affect my love/sex life. I’ll have to communicate this to my partners, and although I know that it won’t change everyone’s mind, it’s going to make my already limited options even moreso.

ablaze, this lecherous religion
what graven truth? and lay waste
I care not

Random Update

I feel bad because I haven’t written anything this week, but nothing really new has happened.  Nancy and her son are driving me crazy.  I’m still dating here and there.  My bipolar is under control thanks to my meds.  Oh, and I’m still broke.  Hopefully I’ll have more to talk about next week.  Until then.

where the rocks marry the skies

Jealousy, Part 2: Penis Envy

Things have not been happening between Nancy and I lately. And by things, I mean sex, and I am feeling unbelievably sexually frustrated.

The other night I took her out for dinner, she has a glass of wine, and she let’s slip that I don’t do it for her in bed. What?! Here she is, getting clingier and clingier, and apparently I don’t do it for her. Clearly, sex is not on her agenda as much as she had led me to believe or she would have brought it up before now.

So of course, like any decent partner, I ask her what she would like me to do differently. Apparently, penetration and clitoral stimulation do very little for her. She tells me that she wants me to focus on her neck and back and slow down a little. No problem. I actually prefer to slow down a bit; the only reason I hadn’t was because I tend to take more time to climax than my partners. Now that I know what does it for her, maybe things will turn out differently, right?

That night, she gets into bed naked, clearly with the intention of having sex, so I do exactly what she asked me to do. I take my time; I focus on her neck and back; she writhes, clearly enjoying it. Then she starts to tickle me. What the hell? OK, I can see how maybe it could be flirtatious, but she isn’t ticklish, and I wasn’t touched much as a child so I am sensitive to an extreme. I try to stop her, but she keeps coming at me, tickling me over and over again. There’s absolutely nothing I can do to get the mood back.

Then last night she starts playing with me under the covers. Clearly she’s in the mood so I try again. And again, I’m taking my time, caressing her neck and back, kissing her, she’s clearly enjoying it, and then…she falls asleep. What the hell am I doing wrong?

So what does any of this have to do jealousy? Well, she’s been quite upfront with the fact that her previous fuckbuddy, whom she is still buddies with, was able to satisfy her. Here I am, baffled at how to please her, and she’s rubbing this in my face.

I am pissed.

My whole adult life has been filled with sexual frustration. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, and even then my girlfriend lost interest soon thereafter. I think we had sex three times total. Then I only had a couple other girlfriends between then and when I married, and my ex-wife only wanted sex once or twice a month. Meanwhile, I’ve been masturbating at least once a day since I was 12. I just can’t figure out how to get satisfied.

I am so jealous of the guys with the experience that I’m lacking. It’s been an insecurity of mine for such a long time, and it’s devastating to have it rubbed in my face the way Nancy did. Don’t get me wrong; I know she was only trying to relate that there are ways that she can be satisfied, but how is that supposed to make me feel?

And here’s the thing: I think one of the main reasons women (including Nancy) are drawn to me is because I’m not interested in just sex. One of my big appeals is probably that I want to get to know my partners in more than the biblical sense, and when they realize that I’m sincere in that they completely lose interest in me sexually. Every woman I meet wants to be my friend, but none of them want anything more, and I am so goddamned sick of being everyone’s shoulder to cry on when the guy they’re fucking decides to chase tail somewhere else.

How lame am I for being jealous of those assholes?

I am so jealous of those of you who get your fill of sex, who are able to attract women sexually, who have women interested in a relationship beyond platonism. I keep drawing more and more of women toward me and I still can’t get laid to save my life…even when I’m sleeping with one.

Clearly this relationship is not working for me and I know I deserve better. I’m breaking up with her as soon as she moves out at the end of the month.

cloying crimson

Jealousy, Part 1: Systemic Inequalities in Education and Finance

My theme for this week is going to be jealousy.

I was always jealous of the kids that got to just be students. You either know the type or you are the type. I wanted to be able to focus on school for a few years and nothing else. I wanted to be ignorant and not know what the world was really like and get caught up in all the academic sensationalism, but like many of you I couldn’t. My parents couldn’t afford to help me pay for my education and financial aid was unavailable.

In our society we have a myth that one can achieve whatever they want if they just work hard enough. We do things to convince ourselves that this is true. For example, we set up this Financial Aid system to supposedly help those less fortunate, but what does it really accomplish? It artificially inflates tuition and puts those disadvantaged into debt for a good chunk of their lives. Plus, there are huge cracks in the system; as an example, they assume that anyone with parents is going to receive help from them.

My parents made pretty decent money, but they had a bankruptcy to pay off, leaving nothing to help me, not that they would have anyway. Plus, because of that bankruptcy they couldn’t co-sign on any loans, which meant I had to work two or three jobs to save up for next semester’s tuition.

Holding down two or three jobs meant I didn’t have time to study. I could never attend a Saturday study group or get buddy-buddy with my professors during their office hours. I couldn’t afford that naive idealism that lends rise to student protests and activism; I was too busy trying to find a minute or two to do homework. And the whole thing left me so exhausted that I would eventually get overwhelmed from time to time and everything would suffer. Going through this whole process while bipolar didn’t help, either.

I am extremely envious of these kids that got to “experience” college. Most of them went right through, not having to take a break from school for lack of tuition. They find themselves with head starts on jobs, no debt, and the whole world available to them, while the rest of us are left to claw our way through the system, out of debt, and spend the rest of our lives trying to catch up. (I’m going to skip the lecture on how economic disparities constantly worsen over time and the other lecture on how wealth breeds more wealth.)

I’m jealous of these people to the point of loathing, and it’s tied very closely with my bipolar disorder. When I’m thinking these hateful, negative thoughts it tends to happen when I’m in the low part of my cycle. Oh, the crazy, stupid things I think of doing, like I need to take revenge, like I deserve something more, like life could have been any different. I know I’m not the only one, though.

We can’t all be CEOs, after all, or there won’t be anyone left to produce anything. All the wealth we pay our leaders is obtained at the expense of those that produce it. No, I’m not a communist or a socialist. I just think our society is sick, and that, I know, is what lends rise to my jealousy.

Tomorrow I’ll talk a bit about a sexier kind of jealousy. Stay tuned.

half-green hills

Life With Nancy

Living with Nancy is driving me crazy!

First off, she’s messy. I’m not super clean, but I’m nowhere near as messy as she is, and it’s really getting to me. She just lets her things sit there until she needs them. Dishes sit in the sink. Clean and dirty laundry piles fill separate spaces. DVDs lay scattered all over my couches so I can’t even sit down.  My place is a sty.

Then there’s her son who drives me up the wall. He’s three years old and spoiled as anything I’ve ever seen. Everything he wants, he gets, and that includes lots of attention. So here I am, an introvert, and I need time to myself to recharge sometimes, but the blasted brat won’t leave me alone. He can’t bare the fact that he isn’t the center of everyone’s attention.

Then, he does this annoying fake crying and Nancy won’t believe me when I tell her he’s obviously faking it. How obvious is it? Let me put it this way, if you ignore him, then every once in a while he’ll look up to make sure someone is paying attention. If not, he’ll move somewhere where he’ll be in the way. Aren’t mothers supposed to know these things?

Oh, and then there’s the fact that the kid is always “watching” cartoons (but never really watching them), so I can’t play my video games.

Plus, with the two of them in the house, I can’t entertain any other dates at my place, despite the fact that we don’t have an exclusive relationship.

AGH!!

I just can’t wait until she moves out. Twenty-four days to go.

this wretched diminutive

Broke

I am freaking out. Somehow my bank account went into the red last month and I bounced like 10 transactions, all of them four and five dollars apiece, but I was charged $34 each. Now I got paid since then, but it’s not enough to cover the fees and the rent so my rent check is now going to bounce. Plus, I have no money left to do anything about it. I don’t even know what happened except that maybe I put too much money into paying off my credit cards last month. Yikes!

Broke

I am freaking out. Somehow my bank account went into the red last month and I bounced like 10 transactions, all of them four and five dollars apiece, but I was charged $34 each. Now I got paid since then, but it’s not enough to cover the fees and the rent so my rent check is now going to bounce. Plus, I have no money left to do anything about it. I don’t even know what happened except that maybe I put too much money into paying off my credit cards last month. Yikes!

Polyamory and I

For a while, I felt like I was doomed to be alone. Even when I was with a significant other, I often felt isolated and unexpressed, like something was missing, and with every partner it’s been a little different. Because of this, I just assumed that I was going to feel this way forever, that there was something wrong with me. Maybe it was the bipolar disorder taking its toll; or maybe my personality was just too off-kilter to connect with anyone. Then I was introduced to the concept of polyamory.I thought, “Of course! Maybe all this is true about me and I’m just broken, but perhaps by loving more than one person I can fill this emptiness.” And it worked. Unfortunately, I was treating symptoms and not the underlying cause.

These feelings weren’t the result how many partners I had. In fact, my choices of partners were just another symptom. It was my own insecurities and inability to express myself that caused this emptiness. One big reason why I stayed in my marriage for as long as I did was because I was afraid of being alone. Because of my low self-esteem, I started by dating anyone who would give me the time of day. I had no standards. It’s also a large reason why I got married so quickly. Plus, I wanted a relationship so badly that I taught myself not to acknowledge my feelings when things started to turn sour. I made myself miserable trying to make every relationship work, and it’s no small wonder, then, that I projected that onto my partners.

A few weeks ago I seriously thought about this and confronted these insecurities. I’ve come to the conclusion that polyamory is not something I need in my life. It’s not even something that I necessarily want, but I’m open to the possibility. For me, it’s just going to be a matter of who I connect with. As I’m looking for new relationships right now, if I meet someone fantastic that wants to be poly, then I’m OK with that. If someone wants to be mono, then I can be OK with that, too.

What’s going to be important for me right now is to work on finding out what I truly want in a mate and pursuing that without feeling like I’m settling. I know that I deserve it, that I’m a damn fine catch, and that I needn’t feel insecure about any of this. Plus, if I never meet anybody that fits what I want and I find myself alone, then I will be OK with that, too. I need to be; otherwise fear will drag me down into the same cycle.

Just recognizing this fact has caused a dark cloud in my mind to dissipate. I’m meeting all kinds of interesting people, and finally having the courage to turn some down for incompatibility has left me open to find people even more compatible. In fact, I think the change in attitude has made me an even more attractive person. Plus, the more I explore this, the more I’m able to narrow down what I truly want, something I haven’t been able to do before.

So now I’m feeling better about myself, feeling better about my partners, and I’m feeling open to all kinds of new possibilities. This is an exciting time in my life.

a playground aflame