Last night Nancy and I had sex. It had been a rough day for her so I was just planning on letting her go to sleep, but she started to come on to me and I gladly took things from there. I’m not getting it nearly as often as I’d like and I wanted her bad.
Now she had told me before that she liked it rough. Well so do I, so when we got going of course I took some liberties. It’s not something I would ordinarily do with someone, though, unless I felt close to them because it’s always been difficult for me to read people. Mostly I tend to err on the conservative side of people’s boundaries because I don’t want to violate anyone, sexually or otherwise. I respect people, at least as individuals.
I thought she would let me know when I started to go too far, but I never got a sign to stop so I kept going and going; I was loving it. I was grabbing, biting, but I also held back a bit for fear of crossing the line. Eventually, though, she totally freaked out on me, jumping away and shaking. Apparently my hand was too close to her neck and that was a trigger for her to go into fight-or-flight mode.
So then after a second she calms down and tells me that she wasn’t into any part of it. What?! I had been a little rough, but like I said I was still holding back. One day she tells me she likes it rough; then she tells me that I was too rough. I just don’t understand. She told me that laying limp was her way of telling me she wasn’t into it, but how was I to know that? How about we try a clear communication instead of some obscure passive lameness?
Still, she had bruises even though I didn’t think I’d gone that far. I felt horrible about it, and I couldn’t keep myself from apologizing, but I also feel like maybe it’s just because I can’t please her in that department. Maybe our relationship is doomed for it. It’s bad enough that her sex drive is limited, but she says sex is important to her relationships. Sex is important to my relationships, too, but if only I can be pleased, what’s the point?
And why do I feel like a rapist?
no point between
July 17, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Nancy wants to break up with you. However, she does not have the guts to say it. So, she is creating reasons to justify it in her mind. She will continue to give you tasks at which you fail. In this case, she is making you into a bad lover.
Lizzy
http://negotiablevirtue.wordpress.com/
July 17, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I don’t think that’s quite true, Lizzie. She’s actually become quite clingy, calling me several times per day, and even more telling is that she has opened up a bit more to me. Since then, we’ve talked about it, and she confided that her ex-husband used to rape her, so when our sexual encounter crossed a certain point it brought up all these memories.
If she is trying to break up with me, then so far she’s failing miserably. Now we’ve established that she’s the one with the issue, and our interpersonal intimacy has only increased.
July 22, 2008 at 2:06 am
two people agree they want to spend the weekend, relaxing, at home. one of them never wants to leave the couch; the other wants to reorganize the garage. clearly, their ideas about relaxing are quite different.
two people can tell each other they like rough sex, but their concepts of “rough” may be extremely different.
i know a lot of people prefer not to talk about what they will be, or will not be, doing once the doing is being done. but . . . if it keeps one from going into limp-body mode and keeps you from feeling like a rapist . . .
one more thing -
maybe you’ve heard the song -
lyrics are one of my – whatevers –
so-
“Rough Sex” – Lords of Acid
Love, Love is the answer
When I think about Love
I don’t think about a Bright Moon
Twinkling Stars
Red Wine
Silent Whispers
Holding Hands
Secret Love letters
I think about Pure Sex, Deep Sex, Hard Sex, Rough Sex
Love, Love is the answer
When i think about Love
I don’t think about candle lights
Red Roses
Wedding Bells
Moonlight Serenades
Warm Summer Nights
I think about Pure sex, Deep Sex, Hard Sex, Rough Sex
Love, Love is the answer
When I think about Love
I don’t think about a bright Moon
Twinkling Stars
Red Wine
Silent Whispers
Holding Hands
Secret Love letters
Candle lights
Red Roses
Wedding Bells
Moonlight Serenades
Warm Summer Nights
A table for Two
I think about Pure sex, Deep sex, Hard Sex, Rough Sex
July 22, 2008 at 11:34 am
Thanks for the comment, barbaricsaint. It’s definitely some food for thought. (I love the Lords of Acid, btw.)
July 25, 2008 at 10:35 am
I agree with barbaricsaint. Maybe you could at least establish a safety word system to use the next time she wants to try something “rough”.
July 25, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Hey, I vote that you just don’t have sex with her. But wait, that would mean more sex for me! Wait, nm, I am the only one you’re fucking. YAY!!!