Munch

OK, so the munch was really lame, but at the same time fascinating.

First, the lame part: The gal that invited me barely even acknowledged me. Worse, most everyone else was there with a partner or knew each other, so the whole group broke up into little cliques and I felt a little ostracized. You would think that they would be more inviting, especially since they as a group probably find themselves on the fringe in general. I guess you could say that I was on the fringe of the fringe. So for that reason I was bummed that I drove all the way up to Sunnyvale for it, and I wish it had turned out differently.

On the brighter side, it was very interesting. I was laughing most of the night at some of the conversations that were going on around me, and I really wanted to join in but they speak so fast and so loud. Plus, I didn’t know a lot about what or who they were talking about. In effect, I was kind of like a deer stuck in headlights. However, I did learn a bit about the SF Bay Area BDSM scene and I got to meet some cool people.

Even with the bad side of it, though, I think I might show up again. If I hang around long enough maybe I can get to know some of these people and become more of a regular so I can fit in. And if not, then at least I get to socialize a bit.  It’ll be a nice alternative to the poly socials I stopped attending.

shadows on the sun

Munchings and Crunchings

Tonight I’m going to my very first munch, and I’m really excited about it for a lot of reasons. (For those of you who aren’t “in the know,” a munch is where people interested in BDSM and similar activities meet casually to chat and have fun.)

The biggest excitement for me is the woman that invited me because she’s a really interesting character. I don’t know very much about her yet, but I know she’s a domme. She’s been in the BDSM community for years and she teaches classes on the subject. Plus, I know her interest in me is a little more than platonic. I’m not sure how her dominant personality will clash with my own since I have a slight dominant streak myself sometimes, but I’m looking forward to finding out, mainly because I’ve always found passive, submissive women to be kind of a turn-off.

I’m also looking forward to it because it’s a great chance to get into the scene a little bit. BDSM has long been a turn-on for me, and it was just a fantasy until I learned a little bit more about it from a woman I dated a few months back. Now I’m getting dialed into what’s going on in this community and I think it’s very exciting.

At the same time, though, it’s a little scary for me, too. I do have trouble socializing sometimes, after all, and I want to make a good impression on this woman. One to one is where I excel, but when you put me into larger groups I tend to clam up. I was getting more comfortable with the poly group (by the way, I’m not considering myself poly anymore; I’ll explain later), but these are going to be new people and a new environment, so there’s definitely a little anxiety there. My plan is just to relax and have fun, though. After all, I can always leave if things start to suck.

Also, Nancy and I have been distancing ourselves a bit, too. We’ve talked about it and we’re not going to let things get too awkward since we’re both seeing other people while we’re also living under the same roof, albeit temporarily. I never should have made the offer, but I couldn’t let her wind up in a shelter. I’ll just be glad when August is over and she’s moved out.

Wish me luck tonight!

on a sun dream

Random Post, Mach 2

There are two types of people in the world: There are bigots, and then there are people who know that there are more than two types of people in the world.

every sum, different

Lost Loves, Part 3: Closure

Emily and I had our date yesterday, and I must say it was revealing. Perhaps the biggest surprise to me was that there was no spark between us in person, at least not right away. An inkling of it showed up later in the day, but for the most part the day felt more like a friendly get-together than a date.

In a lot of ways she was the same person I remembered: Her mannerisms, her appearance, her body language. But like I said, we just didn’t have that chemistry I remembered. Later, when we loosened up a bit and got to talking a bit more intimately, everything became clear: She wasn’t emotionally available. Due to a series of betrayals and–I hope she’ll forgive me for saying this–self-destructive behaviors (a symptom of FGS), she’s found herself in a very dark place. The chatter, the happy face, and the great conversation were all masks and distractions to hide her sorrow, even from herself.

When we finally threw out the barriers and talked self to self, I felt that spark again, but, knowing how she was doing, all I wanted to do was give her a big hug and let her know that things will be OK.

For years Emily was the one that had gotten away from me, the only ex that I ever wanted a second chance with. Now that we’ve reconnected, I can honestly say that this feeling is gone. So many people pine over their first loves, and I did, too, but our meeting really gave me some closure on that relationship. She is an amazing, beautiful person, but what she needs now is mostly just a friend, and I hope she can consider me one. Perhaps in time things may change; I’m certainly not opposed to something more developing between us at some point, but the longing I felt in the back of my mind for so long–that unanswered question–is gone.

I feel liberated.

in borrowed light

Lost Loves, Part 2: Lost and Found

As I mentioned, twice now, I discovered Emily’s profile on a dating site I use. At first I wasn’t going to say anything. It had been five years. We had our chance. I should let it go. So I closed my browser and moved on. After all, did I really want to revisit those memories?

I thought about it for a little, though. Maybe I didn’t want to get involved with her, but I was curious where her life had taken her. Later that day her profile came up again and my curiousity got the better of me, so I sent her a friendly E-mail just to ask her how she was doing.

When she replied, she suggested we get together some time to catch up. It seemed innocent enough so I agreed without hesitation, but her next E-mail hinted that it might be more than just a simple get-together. All of a sudden she was talking dinner and a movie instead of just lunch. It occurred to me that this may be a date to her.

At this point I really had to do some soul searching. Here was the one that got away, and she may be interested in me romantically again. Years ago I longed for that, but I’m older and wiser. Did I really want to get involved with this woman that broke my heart so badly? Still, maybe I was overreacting. Maybe this time will be different or maybe we’ve changed enough to make things turn out differently, so I thought I’d go ahead. If she did see it as a date that wouldn’t be a bad thing in the least because I’ll be much smarter about it this time.

The next day we talked on the phone. That spark we had came back instantly. Our intercourse (verbal, of course) was as scintillating as ever. We talked and talked, joking and playing off of each other’s banter just like five years before. And in that conversation it became clear to me that she did in fact see me as a romantic interest. Emily laid it on thick so there could be no more ambiguity, but I had already determined that it would be OK.

I want to see where it might lead.

(As an aside, Emily found this blog a couple days ago and she called yesterday to apologize profusely for how she handled our original breakup. I just wanted to note that I don’t hold it against her. I understand that she was in a different place than today.)

Our date is the day after tomorrow. Wish me luck!

sun-stung and mellow

Lost Loves, Part I

As I mentioned a couple days ago, I recently found the profile of my very first love online. We’ll call her Emily. I didn’t recognize her at first because it had been such a long time, but her interests made it obvious, and after looking at her pictures for a few minutes I saw it clearly.

Our first encounter was online, too, on another dating Website. I was 22 at the time. We exchanged several E-mails, then we started chatting online and soon thereafter talking on the phone. We clicked instantly. The big problem was that she was living three hours away. Still, we had the most amazing chemistry so it didn’t bother me.

Finally after several weeks we arranged to meet. I drove up to see her and one of her plays. We went to dinner, then for a drive. The whole night was magical for me. She was everything I wanted, expected, and more. We went back to her place and talked and talked. Then we started making out. I had liked her long before that moment, but you never forget your first kiss.

That’s right. She was my first kiss.

It was really late when we finished our date–so late that she insisted I stay the night at her parents’ house. Her father rather gruffly gave me a threat not to overstep my welcome, and her mother gathered some blankets for me. We made out for hours more, and then we said good night.

So the very next day she woke me up early so I could get to work on time. We kissed, said our goodbyes, and then I was off. I couldn’t wait to see her again. Later that day, after I got off work, I crashed from lack of sleep and slept through until the next morning.

When I woke up the next day I couldn’t get her out of my mind, but she wouldn’t return my calls or my E-mails. I just assumed that nothing was wrong. After such a fantastic first date, how could there be? But the next day I got an E-mail:

I don’t want to see you. Please stop calling and stop writing.

I was devastated.

A year later we chatted online for a little and she confided that the reason she broke up with me was because she had sex with another date the day after ours and she felt horribly guilty about it. It wasn’t like we were exclusive, though. I could have gotten over it. Maybe because she was my first heartbreak, maybe because she was my first kiss, maybe because she was my first real love…I never got over her…at least not completely.

Tomorrow I’ll write a bit about our recent reconnection, and all my great mixed emotions. Tune in then!

an often letting

Random Post, Mach 1

The world needs more Mexican food and fewer ants.

empty politics

I’m An Idiot

I can’t believe what I did over the weekend. Nancy is getting kicked out of her place at the end of the month and she doesn’t have anywhere else to move yet. I let her sweat it out for a while, but over the weekend I did the dumbest thing I’ve done in years: I offered to let her stay at my place for a month…and she took me up on it.

Not only is this going to put a serious cramp in my dating, but I’ve only been seeing her for a couple weeks. Plus, she has a kid part-time. How am I going to handle this? The best thing about my divorce was being able to have all this space to myself, both physically and emotionally, and now I totally screwed it all up. Plus, how am I supposed to get my much-needed alone time now?

What’s worse is that I have a few new women interested in me now that I’d love to meet. Even worse than that is that I just reconnected with one of my all-time biggest crushes, and she wants to go out. And even worse than that I can’t let me parents or ex know or else it will devastate them. I feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. At least it’s only for a month. I just need to hold my breath and push through.

And in case you’re wondering, I haven’t changed my mind about her moving in because she really needs a place and housing in my area sucks monkey balls, but there’s no way I’m letting her stay more than a month. We’ve laid out the ground rules; now let’s see where it leads us.

By the way, this person is awesome. Check her out:  http://negotiablevirtue.wordpress.com/

no more silence

Sharing Great Games

There are way too many games coming out right now and not enough time to play them. A couple days ago I just got Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2. Then next week Soul Calibur 4 is coming out. Soon after there’s Castlevania and The Last Remnant. The list goes on and on. Dating has really put a damper on things, though. My budget is thin and my time is thinner. The cool thing about seeing Nancy, though, is that she doesn’t mind playing games, and she doesn’t mind if I play games.  I think it’s one thing that’s really drawn me to her.

Lately, she’s been getting into Final Fantasy X, which is very cool considering that it’s one of my favorites. Meanwhile I’ll be playing on my DS while sitting on the couch nearby, offering hints. It’s so nice to be able to share something I love with someone I’m dating, and it’ll be nice to have a real opponent to play against when Soul Calibur comes out.

It’s almost as good as sex.

almost

Where’s My Fallen Angel?

If you’ve read yesterday’s post, then you know about the experience I had with Nancy and rough sex. We’ve worked through her issues somewhat so I feel better about them, but it has really made me think about some things, one of which is that I would really, really like to meet someone that can handle a little bit of kink…or better yet a whole lot.

There’s a certain kind of personality that I find myself drawn to. They inevitably describe themselves with a long list of adjectives, something like, “polyamorous, pansexual, bisexual, and/or pagan…“–in other words, perfect for me–but it seems that I’m not the only one because whenever I meet such a woman she usually has two or three primary relationships and plenty more on the side, so even if she was interested, getting time with her would be like getting an appointment at a busy doctor’s office. I need a little more attention than that if I’m going to stay interested.

Obviously I’m generalizing, so I’ve been looking to expose myself to more places where all these folks are hiding so I can meet someone that I might hit it off with. One idea I’ve had, one which I’ve mentioned before, was to attend some of the kinky workshops they have in my area. Surely these are places where like-minded people might be found, but I run into trouble because often they require going in with a partner, and inevitably there’s mention of chance to practice, but who am I going to practice with? Knowing my luck I would get stuck with some big, stinky, sweaty guy. That’s not hot for me.

By the way, E3 is going on right now. Being non-Christian and a heavy gamer, this is the closest thing I have to Christmas. I can’t wait to play some of these games. Kick ass!

cemented in its socket