The Impossibility of Community

I used to think that I didn’t need anyone. I was so antisocial and socially awkward in my youth. Mostly, I just never learned to socialize because I spent so much time hiding from my mother in my room. Then of course things spiraled as they tend to do. The more antisocial and socially awkward I became, the less I wanted to spend time with other people, and of course being bipolar I couldn’t see what was going on. I knew I didn’t fit in; I knew I saw the world differently, so I figured my social awkwardness was just a result of that and there was nothing I could do.

Now I’m grown, I’ve faced my fears, and I’ve consciously taught myself to socialize, but I still haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I don’t belong, even in my own family. I feel desperate to socialize at least a little bit in an environment where I don’t have to worry about being rejected for who I am. The first and only time that I felt that way was when I was working as a tester at Electronic Arts, and lately I’ve been trying desperately to recapture that, to find some kind of community where I can belong.

I started by pursuing some Pagan groups, but a lot of my beliefs actually clash with a lot of Pagans. The Pagan umbrella is a wide one, and I fall somewhere where Paganism and secular humanism overlap. Most of the Pagan groups I’ve been exposed to are very much into rituals and spells, but, for me, being Pagan is more about an outlook and reverence for the universe, not candles and poems. In fact, even though I consider myself Pagan, I can’t help but think some of the rituals done by a few other Pagans are just cheesy. I try to have respect for all faiths, but it’s still hard not to laugh sometimes.

So then I decided to find a poly group, and as I mentioned before that was a bust. However, now I’m thinking of going again just to see if it turns out differently. Plus, I hear that there’s a second poly group in Santa Cruz that I’d like to attend to see if it’s worth it. Still, it’s hard for me to feel like I fit in with a poly group when I’m only poly in spirit and my experience is limited, even though my mind is not.

I even tried to start my own video-game club with the idea that we would play games during the week and get together to discuss them intellectually, just as a book club would, but I couldn’t find a single person interested, at least thus far. (I’m still trying.)

So here I am, continuing my expedition in search of some kind of self-expression.

Have any of you had similar experiences? I’d love to hear about them.

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