Hitting It Off

Yay! I’ve had a few very successful dates lately, and my one-date curse may be broken as long as this weekend was no anomaly.

On Friday I had dinner with a wonderful girl. (We’ll call her Nancy.) I wasn’t so sure about her at first. She talks a lot, and while I prefer a mate that talks quite a bit more than me, it was a bit extreme. Plus, she’s a bit of a know-it-all, but so am I so that’s not too big of a deal for me. What is a big deal, though, is that I’m not sure how trustworthy she is. I’ve only just met her, and she’s painted an elaborate history that isn’t so far from the realm of absurdity. It portrays her as quite the victim, and I can’t tell if she’s playing the part or merely responding honestly to my inquiries. (I’m a nosy guy.)

In any event, we hung out for a bit yesterday, then ended up at the movies, and next thing I know we’re cuddling and making out, and I found myself really drawn in even despite the fact that she’s a lousy kisser (something easily remedied). Now, I know full well it’s just a mix of infatuation, lust, and NRE (new relationship energy), but I’m going to enjoy it while I can, and I figure even if she isn’t for me or isn’t sincere, it doesn’t mean I have to settle down this instant.

The other girl I met, I think I’ll call her Anne, was just as interesting. We just had that initial date yesterday, but it really seemed to go well, even despite the fact that it only lasted a couple hours. She brought up the idea of seeing each other again at the end, and she even stalled a bit there to take just a little more time, which I took as a good sign. Then again, I’ve had quite similar dates whom I’ve never heard from again. I would really enjoy getting together with her at least once more to see if we have more chemistry to explore, though.

What a difference a week can make, eh? Oh, and my increase in Depakote? Totally working. I haven’t had any more episodes since last week.

adrift on wilted wind

Dates (plural)

First, an update on the poly group I went to last night: It was much, much cooler than last time. Lots of fun couples and the cool triad was back, and it was a lot of fun to hang with all of them. I think I might have been the only one there that was single right now, though, and I was definitely the youngest. Still, I didn’t feel too left out, so that was pretty great overall. The time just flew by, and that’s really saying something given that I’m usually so uncomfortable in social situations.

Two more dates have materialized on my schedule. Tonight I’m meeting a cutie for dinner. She has a very sweet personality, but an alarm went off when we first started talking because she told me some very personal things that might really bother someone. I’m not so shallow, but it could indicate lack of self-confidence, which could translate to her not being in a healthy place to be dating. I’m proceeding with caution.

The other one is a girl that I met online who I’ve been wanting to take out for months. She has a lot of cool stuff going for her, but the downside is that she has kids, and it’s taken us this long to plan a time to get together. She has a really interesting personality, though; she’s kind of indy, hip, but mature and not too radical or idealistic. Plus, she plays video games, which is damn cool.  I don’t really know what she looks like, though I doubt that will be a problem because there are very few women that I don’t find attractive in one way or another. In a way, it’s kind of enticing not knowing because there’s an air of mystery to it.

And best of all, I’m not as invested in either of them as I was with the woman last weekend, so no worries if they disappear afterward. At least we tried. Now, is this new healthy attitude of mine the result of self-revelation or an increase in Depakote?

It’s going to be an interesting weekend.

shedding the wind

Waiting For Love?

Well, I’m going to the poly meeting tonight. I thought for sure I’d have someone to bring with me this time, but I guess not. Actually, I don’t really even want to go right now, but I think I’ll find myself regretting it later if I don’t. At the very least, it’s a good excuse to go get a yummy cobb salad.

In a previous comment, NK shares that s/he believes that the best course of action is not to rush into any relationships, and that got me thinking. I have to disagree. In my 27 years, I have never–not once–had love just come along and find me. Heaven knows I wish it worked that way, but I don’t think I’m someone that these things happen to. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I don’t really fit in anywhere; maybe I’m unapproachable; maybe I just have a limited circle of friends or acquaintances. Whatever it is, I think that the whole idea of waiting for love, or anything for that matter, is crap.

I really don’t want to discount what NK said, though. Maybe that really does work for some of you. If it does, you have to tell me your secret because I am baffled.

If I want something, I have to go after it. Nothing ever comes if I wait. If I’m lucky, maybe a woman will strike up a conversation once a month or so, which means I’m always the initiator. Then, no matter how flirtatious our exchange, it ends there if I don’t act on it and get her number or plan another meeting. Still, even at that point, I’ll never get a second date if I don’t plan it. Every step along the way has to be deliberate, and whenever I’ve backed off, it inevitably signaled the end of the relationship.  Love never just came to me; I always had to pursue it.

I have rushed into relationships before, and I freely admit that NK was right about how hollow and lonely I came to feel after a while. I’m not sure how much of that has been my bipolar cycle hitting a low and how much has been due to the rushing nature, but to be perfectly honest I’m not sure how to do it any other way. Once someone has established herself as my friend, our relationship never goes any further. Then again, maybe I misunderstand completely.

How does one let love find them?

(By the way, thanks for sharing, NK!)

one endless possibility

Getting By

I’ve been depressed the whole day and I think a lot of it is due to the weather. It was nice and sunny earlier this week; so sunny in fact that I managed to get one of the worst sunburns I have ever had on my back. Today, though, it’s overcast and I feel the weight of the world sitting on my chest.

I’ve come to grips with the fact that my date last Saturday won’t be calling me back. There’s still some disappointment there, but it is what it is, and I have no way of knowing what’s going on in her mind. So now I’m moving on.

I suffered a little more disappointment today because I usually go on the prowl during my lunch breaks. There’s always somewhere nearby I can go to, sit down, and eat while I watch people come and go. I rarely talk to anybody, but I’m always gauging the interest of the women that come in, and occasionally I’ll do something about it. Today, though, I was out taking one of my employees to lunch for her birthday so I didn’t get a chance. It was particularly frustrating today because I’m feeling like I need to really connect with someone and soon. It’s been a while and I miss being close to someone.

There have been a lot of frustrations in my life lately, but I’m coping as best I can, trying to keep my moods under control. It’s been really hard when I add my bipolar disorder to it, but somehow I’m getting by.

metal heart

No Reply: Frustrations of Dating in the Modern Age

Well, it’s been three days since my date and still no reply. My calls have gone unreturned, and I think that I’m out at this point. I’m devastated.

I feel like I have so much to give: I’m caring, intelligent, humorous, open-minded, I have a lot of love to give, and I feel like nobody will give me a chance. None of my dates recently have developed into a second, despite how great they’ve been, and the only common factor has been me. So I can’t help but wonder what it is about me that’s turning all of these great women off?

Let’s see here: One of them decided to go AWOL and flaked on me. Two decided that they would rather be “just friends.” Two others have cancelled at the last minute so I didn’t even make it to the first date. And finally, now this woman, the one I liked the most, has apparently cut off contact with me. What’s a guy to do? Is dating this hard for everybody?

Well, I’ve called her twice and gotten no answer, leaving messages each time. I get one more call before I become a stalker, and I’m going to wait a couple days to make it. Honestly, I’m trying really hard not to keep hope alive right now because I have a feeling I’ll just be disappointed. After all, she did immediately log back into the dating site after our date to make some edits, and she hasn’t so much as glanced at me. Still, I can’t help but hope that she’ll finally call me back. I feel so pathetic for that.

I’m already trying to move on, though, putting myself back on the prowl, so to speak, but I don’t know if anything will end up different. I still haven’t figured out what it is that’s turning everyone off, but then again maybe I just haven’t met the right people. Maybe there’s a reason why these women are single and looking for love online. Maybe the next one I meet will be open enough to see me as the awesome person I am.

I think part of my trouble has also been my bipolar issues. I visited the doc today and he increased my Depakote. Just what I needed: More shaking and weight gain. If it does the trick, though, I’ll have no complaints, and I’m going to try extra hard to keep the weight down this time. Maybe in another week or two I will have lost enough pounds to really attract a hottie.

life, backward

The Downside of a Good Date

My date on Saturday was fantastic. We talked and talked, the conversation never got boring, we have so much in common, and I’m infatuated with her even more than before. However, now there’s no question; my bipolar symptoms are flaring up again.

As I was leaving the date, I felt that loss that typically comes when you finish an event that you were looking forward to. It’s kind of a “that was fun, but now let’s get back to the grind” feeling. However, after the date I kept sinking deeper and deeper to the point where I couldn’t stop crying, and it lasted through Saturday and all day Sunday.

I should have been happy. Here I’ve been looking for someone like her for months, all the signs are promising, and for some reason I was devastated by it. Now I think I’m past that initial shock to my system that resulted in such darkness, but I’ve alternated to extreme anxiety: Classic bipolar. Will I get to see her again? Does she feel about me even close to how I feel about her? Why didn’t she return my call last night? So here I am agonizing over a terrific date that should have made me feel good.

I rescheduled my appointment to see my shrink so I can hopefully adjust my meds. With any luck he’ll just up the Abilify since that worked wonders before, and I’m on such a low dose right now as it is. So keep your fingers crossed for me, and hopefully I’ll get a second date, to boot.

lucid parameters

A Promising Date

So I have a first date tomorrow with a girl I really like. I mean I really, really like her. She’s cute, intelligent, and we have so much in common. Here’s the problem, though: I don’t even really know her. I met her on the Internet and lately I have been having lousy luck with online dating. There is so much about her and her personality that I just adore, and I think I might be too attached to a relationship that might not ever happen.

It’s not something that’s totally unreasonable, though. It’s rare that I find someone as into video games as I am. Plus, she’s very well educated, which doesn’t necessarily translate into intelligence, but it’s promising. And she’s antisocial, like me. Obviously over the last few posts I’ve listed quite a few other things that I look for in a mate, and I don’t know one way or another if she’s a perfect fit, but the things she writes and the way she writes them makes things look like she might.  I’m hopeful, but I need to work on managing my expectations.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Oh, and I think I might have been overreacting yesterday when I thought my bipolar symptoms might be coming back. I haven’t had any more flare-ups in the last couple days and I’m feeling good without feeling crazy, so I think it was just some kind of hormonal thing…or maybe too much caffeine.

touch AND(go)

Bipolar Again?

I think some of my bipolar symptoms might be coming back. Lately it seems like I’ve been drifting between melancholy and anxiety. It’s not nearly what it used to be, but I’m worried it might be more than a natural reaction to the world around me.

It could be related to the fact that I’ve been going back and forth a bit with my dating situation. First it seems like someone is into me; then they’re not. This has repeated a couple times in the last week as I’ve gotten to know a few different people, and I think that’s natural because that initial flare of interest subsides quickly if there’s not much compatibility. And of course my mood is fluctuating accordingly, but is it doing so too much? Sadly, there’s no measuring stick to measure emotions against so it’s going to take some time to sort it out.

Of course, it could be nothing at all or just a temporary flare up. We’ll see when things stabilize a bit.

WTF?

The Strong Woman

Let’s face it: Women in society are taught to be weak and passive. Our concepts of marriage, romance, the educational system, the media, all of these things reinforce these ideas, and there is a lot of pressure to conform. That’s why I really admire women that can see past that, go against the grain, and claim their individuality, meeting men on their level or beyond. (I think we should be honest here: The level most men work at is pretty low anyway.)

I really have a hard time respecting conformists, people who aren’t questioning things, so when I come across someone who isn’t living up to her potential, I’m instantly turned off. Ladies, the blond act will get you nowhere with me, and I used to be married to a pro so I can spot it in an instant.

So this all means my dream mate would have to be strong, competent, nonconformist, and capable of seeing all the possibilities beyond the status quo. I’m discovering that the strong woman is a rare jewel indeed.

at summers’ end

Half A Relationship Is No Relationship At All

One thing that has really bothered me in past relationships is that I’ve met a lot of women that won’t meet me halfway.

If I’m the only one working at the relationship, I’ll lose interest fast. If I’m making all the plans, all the phone calls, everything, then at some point I’m going to stop to make sure that my affections are being reciprocated, but I think too often once a pattern develops, the women I see begin to expect me to continue to do all the work in the relationship. That means when I stop, or start to wane a little, they interpret it as lack of interest on my part when the opposite is usually true at that point. So right from the beginning, I need someone assertive enough to meet me halfway without being afraid of putting forth the effort.

My biggest frustration is that our society preaches that men should do all the work in male/female relationships, and it’s been this way since the dawn of the English language. We’re supposed to put our woman on a pedestal and shower them with gifts, but isn’t that kind of insulting to both the men and the women. Is there a physical cost of love? Can men not attract a mate on their own merits? Is a woman’s love bought so easily?

For me to respect someone, the relationship must truly be equal between us. We have to both want it and both pursue it, and I think if we truly like each other, then we feel compelled to put forth that effort, but fear of rejection and societal pressure get in the way. I think it takes a strong person to get past that. My dream woman would have to be strong, too.

a sunny sort of situation