This last week I started dating two women, and within this same week they both told me that they didn’t want a sexual relationship with me, which has made me seriously reevaluate who I am and why I have so much trouble in the dating arena.
For one thing, one of the women mentioned my weight. I used to be 160 pounds, lean, and in great shape. Six month later, I’m 230 pounds (that’s 70 pounds fatter!) and fighting with everything I have to lose it. We can thank the Depakote for that. The worst part is that I can’t wait to lose the weight before I date again because it may never happen. Let’s face it: It’s better to be fat and happy than sad and skinny.
With that first woman, I very much understand why she wanted to only be friends, and I know it didn’t really have anything to do with my weight. She was in an open M/s relationship and had some reservations about giving up that part of her, which she feels belongs to her significant other, and I think that’s great that she could be so honest. She is willing to continue our romance, though, so I’m happy to do without the sex, even if we’ll never go “all the way” because a little romance is better than none at all.
The other woman really upset me, though. Here she came and contacted me on a dating site. She seemed nice, we both openly expressed a rather healthy interest in sex and romance, we had a terrific first date, and then a couple days later I get the same classic rejection. She said it was because she had a chance with a long-time friend that she had been crushing over, but the whole thing left me wondering “What am I doing that’s inviting these people into my life.” The timing and similarity is too much to be mere coincidence.
So here I am, still single, and feeling quite frustrated and disillusioned. Now I have an opportunity with a terrific woman that wants a non-physical romance, and another that wants to be a non-physical friend (that will surely quickly fizzle out, as all “let’s just be friends” do), and what I want is the entire package, physical and non. What’s a guy to do?
running still
May 18, 2008 at 4:46 am
Do you like the Depakote? I was on it for 4 years, and it did very little for me but I was seeing inept dr.s and they just kept me on it because they knew very little about other meds (of course this was 15 yrs ago) I went from 140 lbs to 200 and in a manic cycle drove from CA to Maine. I am in no way telling you how to medicate, just wondering. Didn’t last in Maine for very long as I am a CA girl to the core. And it doesn’t matter where you live, not very many men want to date a 200 lb woman. When I found the Dr. that saved my life, he took me off of it, the weight just kind of fell off (I was walking everyday, but that was it). But, if its working, well being heavy is worth being alive and managing your illness isn’t it? Its like being on Seroquel and the other drugs in the same family. Yes, there is this miniscule (what is it like 2%?) chance of diabetes. So, you go get your blood tests every few months and monitor it. So what? You are alive and healthy, its worth the risk. At least that’s how I always looked at it.
May 18, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Dating is difficult even when we are not hampered by bipolar and weight issues. I have been on depakote for several years and gained 30 lbs. Somehow I managed to lose 20 of that – but I still do not fit into my pre-depakote clothes. I am very self conscious of my weight and having people point it out to me doesn’t help – like I don’t already flippin’ know. Do you date women who also have mental health issues? I am asking because I am wondering if I should be looking for someone who is also bipolar. It can be difficult to find someone who truly understands the issues.
Wishing you well.
May 19, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Astramillie: I have a love-hate relationship with my Depakote. On the one hand I shake like a 90-year-old man and blew up like a balloon; on the other hand it works for me, and let’s face it: That’s the hardest part of medicating bipolar disorder. As I’m sure it did for many of you, it took me months to find some semblance of sanity. For anybody out there looking for a booster for Lamictol, I have to say that it works wonders, but I would try something else first if you can. The side effects are a bit more than I would like.
bipolarlife: Regarding dating, I don’t really discriminate one way or another regarding dating people with mental-health issues. I’ve been surprised by how many people were accepting of it, and when someone mentions their mental-health issues right away, it usually means that they see it as a dating liability, which it really shouldn’t be. I suggest being honest about it if it comes up, but there’s no need to rush into full disclosure. Let people get to know you first and then when you do tell them they’ll see that it really doesn’t matter anyway.