Because I Said So

My parents meant well when they tried to raise me Mormon. They really genuinely believe that the Mormon church is the Truth with a capital “T,” and I can’t fault them for that. However, what happens when someone stops believing in something they’re forced into?

I stopped believing when I was ten, but that didn’t stop my parents from forcefully insisting that I continue to attend. I loathed it. There is nothing inherently bad with the Mormon faith; it just isn’t something that I can believe in, and the more I was forced into it the angrier I became.

The worst part was that surviving this situation required that I develop two personalities. One personality was authentic, the part of me that believed what I wanted to believe, thinking freely and independently; the other part was everything a good Mormon boy should be, clean cut, devoted, faithful. The big problem was that I had to spend most of my time in my false personality. In high school, I went to church for three hours on Sunday, “seminary” for an hour every weekday, and “mutual” for two hours every Wednesday. Plus, I couldn’t be myself at school, either, because word would inevitably get back to my parents, and I would surely face punishment. (Also, with my narcissistic mother, the punishment was never commensurate with the crime.)

My two halves became intermingled to the point that I could barely tell which side was which. Worse yet, having such a screwed up personality made it impossible to relate to others, creating a horrible social awkwardness. I wanted to believe so badly, but my logic and intuition told me otherwise. No doubt that aggravated my Bipolar Disorder, or it may have even been the root cause.

Fortunately, I graduated when I was 17 and immediately moved out to go to school. It was at that point that I stopped going to church and started discovering myself again, outside of my parents’ influence. Over time, my social awkwardness disappeared, I let go of the personality I created to cope, and later discovered Paganism.

I know my parents wanted what they believed was best for me, and I love them more than I can say, but there were few things they could have done that would have been worse for my development. Let me just reiterate one more time that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with Mormons and what they believe. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Mormons are great people and what they believe is far less ridiculous than many other so-called “Christian” religions; it just wasn’t for me.

For a long time I held a grudge against my parents and the church, but I think I’ve finally let that go. Now, I’m at peace with who I am and what I believe, and I only hope all of you can feel the same. Blessings to you.