A lot of people hear the word “Bipolar” and freak out. There is such a stigma about it and so many people don’t understand it, particularly when it comes to the medication. In fact, it’s one of the few topics that really makes me back down because whenever I mention it I can see someone instantly become uncomfortable, scared, or even angry. Once again, people fear what they don’t understand.
Being bipolar is a medical condition. It’s not something people can help. It’s not something you can catch. It’s unknown whether it’s a psychological or physiological condition, but it most definitely exists and it’s not something people need to be afraid of. I can no easier choose to have three legs than I can choose to not be bipolar, and that’s the bottom line for me. Here’s the thing, though: You would never know that I’m bipolar if you met me because I am medicated. I am “normal.”
They say that the definition of addiction is the inability to function without a certain drug. For that reason, I, being bipolar, am a junkie. I need my cocktail of Depakote, Lamictol, Cymbalta, Lexapro, and my new favorite, Abilify (horrible name, though). This combination of uppers, mood stabilizers, and boosters gives me access to the full range of human emotion, and I can’t tell you how freeing it is to be such a junkie after living most of my life trapped inside such a numb existence. (And yes, despite the typical stereotypes, most of us in fact feel numb most of the time because our emotions are not our own; they don’t react like they should.) Even when I feel down, as we all do from time to time, I can now turn my mood around with a happy thought or a fun activity. My emotions are my own.
So I may be a junkie, but I’m also a survivor. Somehow I made it through all those suicidal episodes, stupid impulsive moods, and I got the help I needed to be a normal functioning member of society. My doctor says I’ll probably be on the drugs for the rest of my life, but it’s such a small price to pay.
I’m proud to be a bipolar junkie.
…raindrops…just raindrops…
May 17, 2008 at 5:10 am
Thank you! I try and act normal about it. I don’t keep it a secret, when I first meet someone, I let them know early on. I mean its not like I say “Hi, I’m Samantha and I’m Bipolar.” But, it gets worked into the conversation within the first week or two of a friendship or dating relationship. I need to know someone isn’t going to freak and run away. As for meds? If someone is going to tell me I don’t need them,well I don’t need that person. They obviously didn’t know me pre-medication! And I have to say a me too! to Abilify. I’ve been on it for about 4 months and I love it! Its stupid name and all! I’m also on Seroquel (just ramped it way down after 7 years) Topomax, Remeron, and Klonopin (Dr. sponsored benzo addiction). This is a new cocktail, took awhile to stabilize (check out my blog) but I’m feeling the best I have in like a year!
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