Internet Dating And Me

I’ll admit it, and I’ll do so proudly: I love Internet dating sites. I don’t know why, but I’ve met some awesome people on them, and even though none of them have worked out for me thus far, I really think it’s one of the best ways to meet people.For me, I think the best reason is because it gives me a chance to review a whole bunch of people at once, then I can choose who I think I might be most compatible with. It’s so much fun looking at how people represent themselves online, and I think the kind of person I would want to meet would be someone that looks for love online, and it’s so easy to eliminate people right away if I know that they’re not who I’m looking for.

Besides that, there really aren’t many great ways to meet eligible women elsewhere except for mixers, but I’m way too mellow to have any luck at one of those. Bars and clubs suck; everyone in those places is usually so shallow…and drunk. Drunk people are no fun, anyway. Online I can meet people on an intellectual level and see what, if anything, clicks.

And yes, it’s totally true that there are a lot of freaks and weirdos online…but hell, I’m one of them, and even if they’re not people I would date normally, it can be fun to see the world through their eyes and I’ve been surprised at some of the great relationships that have blossomed from relationships with such weirdos. I highly recommend dating one if you haven’t before.

Tomorrow I’m headed to one of my best friend’s place in Sacramento for some serious geeking out. I don’t know if I’ll have time to write between now and Saturday, but for those of you that follow my blog I’ll try. Thanks for reading!!

running from the sound, not the gun

Fanime & Weight

I went to my old girlfriend’s last night, and I have to say that there was absolutely no chemistry there whatsoever. Suffice it to say, nothing happened between us despite the fact that I spent last night there. You’d think I’d be more upset about another “Let’s just be friends” girl in my life, but this time I feel better about it because it really was mutual. So I’m still looking for my next romance, my next partner, and/or my next lover, but that’s OK, I think.

We ended up going to Fanime in San Jose earlier today, which if any of you don’t know is a festival for Anime and Asian culture nerds, and despite the fact that I was a head taller and 10 years older than everyone there, I did have some fun. Mostly that was due to a few very, very talented artists, most of whom couldn’t have been older than 20. It was fascinating watching them work and listening to them. I grabbed a few business cards because I’ve been wanting to find someone that I can commission to design a tattoo for me.  They also had an arcade where a couple guys who were crazy-f_cking-awesome at Dance Dance Revolution were showing off. If I were more into the whole anime scene, I probably would’ve made a point to stay the whole time, but since I’m not we spent a couple hours looking around and left.

The one thing I didn’t like about the our get-together was that when I first saw her after four years or so, one of the first things she said was something like, “Boy, you need to get to the gym.” She felt bad later when I mentioned that it was due to the Depakote I was taking, but it sure made me think about things some more. Is my weight really such a turn-off? I thought there were girls out there that liked their guys a little husky, and I’m far from fat. What I really need to find is someone that likes ‘em both heavier and leaner, so when I lose the weight I can still keep her.

It also made me really, really want to lose some of this awful weight. It’s not that I haven’t been trying, but I’ve got to keep going. I’ve got to keep myself disciplined.

waves alight on the flood

Splitting the Personality

Today I’m heading up to one of my favorite and least favorite places: My parents’ house. They have a beautiful house up in the mountains above Santa Cruz, surrounded by all kinds of greenery and they have a little brook running down the back of their yard. The Pagan in me could just sit there for hours meditating and enjoying the environs. However, inside the house, I have to be on my best behavior. I can’t be Pagan because my parents would feel they failed. They feel bad enough just knowing that I’m not Mormon any longer. I can’t be poly because my parents are religious. I can’t be anti-political because my parents are strong Republicans. I can’t be open about my sex life because my parents are old-fashioned. When I step through my parents’ door, I become a completely different person. Even more ironic is that they are the people in my life that most understand my Bipolar Disorder and my love of the art of video games.

You would think they would be more open to the rest of me than they are. Sometimes I wonder why I go up there, but they are my family and I love them. It’s a shame it feels like such an obligation sometimes. Usually when I get there, I spend a half hour or so talking with them and catching up, and then I find myself doing the same things I typically do to entertain myself at home. Usually that involves playing a game, surfing the web, or watching TV, often at the same time. I want to be close to my parents so much, but their paradigm won’t accept these things about who I am. It seems that I’m doomed to love them from afar, at least emotionally.

giving what’s left

Head Games vs. Video Games

I was going to write about my experience at the poly social last night, but it was kind of lame. There was a cool poly triad there, but the rest were just a bunch of single old dudes talking about Woodstock and doing acid…I just couldn’t relate. So today I decided we’ll talk about my ex-girlfriend instead.

She and I were talking on the phone last night and decided that we were going to catch up and do something fun Saturday night and Sunday. I’m usually not into head games…but, because of all the drama she put me through when we were together, I just can’t resist and I’m going to put it into overdrive when I see her. She’s a total drama queen, and when we talked last night, the way she was throwing herself at me started coming off as a little desperate. This time things are totally reversed from our relationship before so I’m going to make this a very different experience.

Here’s the best part, though: Her company picnic is on Monday, and she’s currently working at a game-development company. When I found out that my employer decided not to help with my schooling, I decided that it’s time to move on because I don’t want to spend my entire life here. Ever since I quit my last job in the video-game industry I’ve wanted to get back in some day. This is my chance to network and get my foot back in the door. I am stoked!

Head games and video games.  Apparently I play both.

lambasting through

Romance sans Passion

I went to see my psychologist last night and got some interesting feedback.  In talking with her, I realized that I’ve never experienced true passion in a relationship.  Even with my ex-wife, romance was something that was negotiated.  We would talk about when and how far we would go with our relationship.  Any kind of emotion involved was planned ahead of time.  It’s no small wonder, then, that I feel so starved for passion.  I think it’s also why I’ve been so upset when my recent dates haven’t lead to anything more.

 

For example, the dates I had recently seemed to be fantastic.  We had lots to talk about, we enjoyed each other’s company, and there was even a physical attraction, but that didn’t mean that there was any kind of spark or passion.  At the end of our dates, as I’ve always done, I went into negotiator mode to set boundaries and find out the degree of interest, and of course that kind of intellectualizing of a relationship murdered whatever spark might have been there.  My dates, looking for that spark, decided not to see me any longer.  Meanwhile, I didn’t know the spark even existed, so I kept on. 

 

My experience in the dating field has been minimal.  Between being a late bloomer and four years of marriage, I’ve really had less than six months of dating in my life.  It’s no small wonder then that I haven’t experienced all that such relationships have to offer.  It never even occurred to me that a relationship might advance out of anything but negotiation and verbal communication before last night.

 

At the moment, I’m very happy being single, but at the same time I’m really enjoying being able to date for the first time in years.  I’m looking forward to finally finding someone that sparks that kind of passion in me.

 

this half-bloomed flower

Something Old, Something New

So that old girlfriend of mine that I mentioned yesterday. She doesn’t maybe want me back; she definitely does…and with a vengeance. I’m still on the fence about it, though. On the one hand, she has such a bright, bubbly personality and she is f_cking amazing in bed, but on the other hand she can be impulsive, loud, and obnoxious.

I’m very conflicted about it, though I have a feeling my lust might win out on this one. One of the reasons we broke up was because I want a family some day and she didn’t. Granted, I don’t want a family in the traditional sense, and I’ve changed a lot about what I wanted since we dated. I’m pretty sure she’s still into the idea of polyamory, though, as she was before, and it’s something that I’ve been leaning toward for quite some time. Perhaps if she’s OK with me dating other people I could be totally cool with re-entering that relationship. I think I still have some love in my heart for her, too, but I’m not sure what kind.

Speaking of polyamory, I’m going to a poly meet tomorrow in Santa Cruz. I’m not sure if it’s something I’m going to do more than once, but going is way out of character for me and I thought it would be good to come out of my shell for a bit to talk to some people as open-minded about relationships as I am. Knowing what I know, half of them will be Pagan and/or into other cool alternative lifestyles…and I’ll bet at least one of them has bright pink or purple hair. Wish me luck!

…what cure for antiquity?

Sick

I’ve been horribly congested today, so I decided to stay home from work to keep anybody else from getting sick. This means I’ve had a lot to think about because I’ve been laying around with nothing else to do. These are often the best days to introspect.

Some interesting developments for me lately:

I ran into an old girlfriend online. It’s clear that she wants me back, and I think I may want her as well, but I need to think about it. One thing that was eerie to me was that she mentioned that I was bipolar; I never mentioned this to her before. In fact, I didn’t even know when we were together, but her daughter is, too, so she may have known what to look for.

When it rains, it pours. A couple other women seem to be interested in me, too. I haven’t gotten to know any of them that well, yet, but I hope to. I’m always curious to find out how others’ views on religion, monogamy, and mental illness interface with my own. There’s an interesting road ahead of me.

bread in a bakery

Escapism and Solace

As a youth, I spent what most people would consider an unhealthy amount of time lost in various forms of escapism. However, I submit to you this: Escapism can preserve sanity, especially when one’s sanity is on the edge.

Because of my abusive, narcissist mother, I had an urge to hide from the world. Any world that held mother figures could not hold my interest and my favorite books, games, etc. still share that trait to this day. Video games, particularly due to their immersive nature, were my favorite. From the moment I got home from school, I finished my homework ASAP and dove into my games so I didn’t have to face my mother or my growing, uncontrollable emotions.

However, as much as video games were a symptom of my circumstances and my illness, they were also a tool that helped me recover my sanity.

Nothing damages one’s psyche more than a sudden shock. These are the dramatic, life-changing, uber-stressful things that happen in life, such as deaths, births, moving, and so forth. For me, integrating into society after years of withdrawal and ostracization was something that involved just such a shock, and it occurred when I moved out on my own. So how is one to cope with that? For me, the answer came in the same form as my symptom: Video games.

My first full-time job was working as a game tester for Electronic Arts. Video games were something I discovered I had in common with many people there, and sharing that love with people who shared my interest helped me develop my social skills. Diving back into them when I felt overwhelmed kept me from relapsing into withdrawal mode, and video games were always something familiar for me, kind of like a security blanket. I don’t know where I would be without video games, and my love for them continues to this day. The one difficulty I face, though, is it’s often difficult to keep from falling back into total withdrawal, but that fight is just another fight that has built my character.

Video games really are my curse and my cure, my escape and my solace.

bells off-balance

Let’s Just Be Friends

This last week I started dating two women, and within this same week they both told me that they didn’t want a sexual relationship with me, which has made me seriously reevaluate who I am and why I have so much trouble in the dating arena.

For one thing, one of the women mentioned my weight. I used to be 160 pounds, lean, and in great shape. Six month later, I’m 230 pounds (that’s 70 pounds fatter!) and fighting with everything I have to lose it. We can thank the Depakote for that. The worst part is that I can’t wait to lose the weight before I date again because it may never happen. Let’s face it: It’s better to be fat and happy than sad and skinny.

With that first woman, I very much understand why she wanted to only be friends, and I know it didn’t really have anything to do with my weight. She was in an open M/s relationship and had some reservations about giving up that part of her, which she feels belongs to her significant other, and I think that’s great that she could be so honest. She is willing to continue our romance, though, so I’m happy to do without the sex, even if we’ll never go “all the way” because a little romance is better than none at all.

The other woman really upset me, though. Here she came and contacted me on a dating site. She seemed nice, we both openly expressed a rather healthy interest in sex and romance, we had a terrific first date, and then a couple days later I get the same classic rejection. She said it was because she had a chance with a long-time friend that she had been crushing over, but the whole thing left me wondering “What am I doing that’s inviting these people into my life.” The timing and similarity is too much to be mere coincidence.

So here I am, still single, and feeling quite frustrated and disillusioned. Now I have an opportunity with a terrific woman that wants a non-physical romance, and another that wants to be a non-physical friend (that will surely quickly fizzle out, as all “let’s just be friends” do), and what I want is the entire package, physical and non. What’s a guy to do?

running still

Because I Said So

My parents meant well when they tried to raise me Mormon. They really genuinely believe that the Mormon church is the Truth with a capital “T,” and I can’t fault them for that. However, what happens when someone stops believing in something they’re forced into?

I stopped believing when I was ten, but that didn’t stop my parents from forcefully insisting that I continue to attend. I loathed it. There is nothing inherently bad with the Mormon faith; it just isn’t something that I can believe in, and the more I was forced into it the angrier I became.

The worst part was that surviving this situation required that I develop two personalities. One personality was authentic, the part of me that believed what I wanted to believe, thinking freely and independently; the other part was everything a good Mormon boy should be, clean cut, devoted, faithful. The big problem was that I had to spend most of my time in my false personality. In high school, I went to church for three hours on Sunday, “seminary” for an hour every weekday, and “mutual” for two hours every Wednesday. Plus, I couldn’t be myself at school, either, because word would inevitably get back to my parents, and I would surely face punishment. (Also, with my narcissistic mother, the punishment was never commensurate with the crime.)

My two halves became intermingled to the point that I could barely tell which side was which. Worse yet, having such a screwed up personality made it impossible to relate to others, creating a horrible social awkwardness. I wanted to believe so badly, but my logic and intuition told me otherwise. No doubt that aggravated my Bipolar Disorder, or it may have even been the root cause.

Fortunately, I graduated when I was 17 and immediately moved out to go to school. It was at that point that I stopped going to church and started discovering myself again, outside of my parents’ influence. Over time, my social awkwardness disappeared, I let go of the personality I created to cope, and later discovered Paganism.

I know my parents wanted what they believed was best for me, and I love them more than I can say, but there were few things they could have done that would have been worse for my development. Let me just reiterate one more time that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with Mormons and what they believe. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Mormons are great people and what they believe is far less ridiculous than many other so-called “Christian” religions; it just wasn’t for me.

For a long time I held a grudge against my parents and the church, but I think I’ve finally let that go. Now, I’m at peace with who I am and what I believe, and I only hope all of you can feel the same. Blessings to you.