Sharing Great Games

There are way too many games coming out right now and not enough time to play them. A couple days ago I just got Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2. Then next week Soul Calibur 4 is coming out. Soon after there’s Castlevania and The Last Remnant. The list goes on and on. Dating has really put a damper on things, though. My budget is thin and my time is thinner. The cool thing about seeing Nancy, though, is that she doesn’t mind playing games, and she doesn’t mind if I play games.  I think it’s one thing that’s really drawn me to her.

Lately, she’s been getting into Final Fantasy X, which is very cool considering that it’s one of my favorites. Meanwhile I’ll be playing on my DS while sitting on the couch nearby, offering hints. It’s so nice to be able to share something I love with someone I’m dating, and it’ll be nice to have a real opponent to play against when Soul Calibur comes out.

It’s almost as good as sex.

almost

Where’s My Fallen Angel?

If you’ve read yesterday’s post, then you know about the experience I had with Nancy and rough sex. We’ve worked through her issues somewhat so I feel better about them, but it has really made me think about some things, one of which is that I would really, really like to meet someone that can handle a little bit of kink…or better yet a whole lot.

There’s a certain kind of personality that I find myself drawn to. They inevitably describe themselves with a long list of adjectives, something like, “polyamorous, pansexual, bisexual, and/or pagan…“–in other words, perfect for me–but it seems that I’m not the only one because whenever I meet such a woman she usually has two or three primary relationships and plenty more on the side, so even if she was interested, getting time with her would be like getting an appointment at a busy doctor’s office. I need a little more attention than that if I’m going to stay interested.

Obviously I’m generalizing, so I’ve been looking to expose myself to more places where all these folks are hiding so I can meet someone that I might hit it off with. One idea I’ve had, one which I’ve mentioned before, was to attend some of the kinky workshops they have in my area. Surely these are places where like-minded people might be found, but I run into trouble because often they require going in with a partner, and inevitably there’s mention of chance to practice, but who am I going to practice with? Knowing my luck I would get stuck with some big, stinky, sweaty guy. That’s not hot for me.

By the way, E3 is going on right now. Being non-Christian and a heavy gamer, this is the closest thing I have to Christmas. I can’t wait to play some of these games. Kick ass!

cemented in its socket

Rough Sex

Last night Nancy and I had sex. It had been a rough day for her so I was just planning on letting her go to sleep, but she started to come on to me and I gladly took things from there. I’m not getting it nearly as often as I’d like and I wanted her bad.

Now she had told me before that she liked it rough. Well so do I, so when we got going of course I took some liberties. It’s not something I would ordinarily do with someone, though, unless I felt close to them because it’s always been difficult for me to read people. Mostly I tend to err on the conservative side of people’s boundaries because I don’t want to violate anyone, sexually or otherwise. I respect people, at least as individuals.

I thought she would let me know when I started to go too far, but I never got a sign to stop so I kept going and going; I was loving it. I was grabbing, biting, but I also held back a bit for fear of crossing the line. Eventually, though, she totally freaked out on me, jumping away and shaking. Apparently my hand was too close to her neck and that was a trigger for her to go into fight-or-flight mode.

So then after a second she calms down and tells me that she wasn’t into any part of it. What?! I had been a little rough, but like I said I was still holding back. One day she tells me she likes it rough; then she tells me that I was too rough. I just don’t understand. She told me that laying limp was her way of telling me she wasn’t into it, but how was I to know that? How about we try a clear communication instead of some obscure passive lameness?

Still, she had bruises even though I didn’t think I’d gone that far. I felt horrible about it, and I couldn’t keep myself from apologizing, but I also feel like maybe it’s just because I can’t please her in that department. Maybe our relationship is doomed for it. It’s bad enough that her sex drive is limited, but she says sex is important to her relationships. Sex is important to my relationships, too, but if only I can be pleased, what’s the point?

And why do I feel like a rapist?

no point between

When Worlds Collide

As I’ve mentioned several times, I have two very different masks I wear, which I’ve discovered is fairly typical for a bipolar person. One mask is conservative, quiet, and wholesome, while the other is devious, perverted, and outspoken. The second mask is closest to who I am at my core and it’s the one that’s most comfortable to wear, but certain circumstances–such as work or time with my parents–require me to put on the first one.

So what happens when the second mask collides with the world that knows only the first?

This all started when someone replied to an online personal ad. Immediately we started flirting (second mask) and quickly discovered that we both recognized each other from work (first mask). I should have put the brakes on right there, but I didn’t think about it until a little later when the flirting had increased a little and now she’s seen that second mask, with all the BDSM, poly, paganism in tow. So here’s where I’m in trouble. Right now she’s out of town, but she returns next week and when she does she’s going to bring all that knowledge with her. The second mask is about to come in contact with the world surrounding the first, and I have no idea what will happen.

I’m very private about things at my work, and at my conservative job it’s necessary to ward off that other side of me so I stay in good graces with the powers. Now it may affect my ability to get promoted or get a raise, and while I’ve already been actively looking for another job, I don’t want to leave my bosses with anything negative to say.

The time bomb is ticking down. It could be nothing; it could destroy an entire part of me. That may not be such a bad thing, though.

light the green

On A String

My dating life continues in full swing, more or less.

My date from last weekend, whom I was supposed to meet last night, went AWOL on me so I was essentially stood up. It sucked, especially because Nancy and I parted ways just so I wouldn’t miss my date with her. It was kind of a bummer in theory, but things between Nancy and I have been going so well recently that I haven’t even had a chance to feel down about it.

As ever, though, my relationship with Nancy remains undefined and I’m still OK with that. We spend every day together, and call each other even more often, but I know she still has a long list of guys lined up who want to date her, or at least sex her up, and she does nothing to discourage them. Honestly, I think it comes from a sense of insecurity she has. She feels unloveable, so she collects these male friends that couldn’t get it any other way and keeps them on a string so she can maintain a supply of reassurance.

It’s not exactly healthy behavior, I know, but I think I’m drawn to broken people, perhaps because I often feel the same way. I’ve always felt like I have so much to offer to the core of someone special, but I can’t ever seem to get past their defenses, the games people play and the shallow criteria we evaluate people on. So much, I wish I could connect with someone honest enough to share their personal essense with me and all us to build a real relationship on top of it. That connection just seems so far away now, though.

Anyway, I’m still enjoying my time with Nancy, and I know she’s not for me long-term but short-term we’re having fun, and I’ll have no guilt when I meet someone new and taper things off with her. After all, we’ve made no commitments, and with her needs I doubt we will. So until the time that I find someone more compatible, I’m just going to enjoy myself as we fulfill each other for a while.

red

Fruition and Frustration

Haven’t had too much new to report. Nancy and I are still going out. She is high drama, though, and I don’t know how much of it I can stand, though I’ve been very patient and I enjoy most of our time together. We talked a lot about our sexual compatibilities last night, and I really don’t know if we’re that good of a match where that is concerned. Her sex drive is nowhere near mine and she isn’t very kinky at all. At the same time, she has more experience than I do. It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated.

That’s all for now.

no more endings

A Moth Or A Butterfly?

Nancy and I defined a lot more of our relationship last night, and I’m feeling a lot more comfortable with where we’re at…and yes I totally got some. We decided that we’re more than friends and not quite a couple, which is a pretty cool place to be. She hinted that she may be looking for something monogamous, though, and I’m totally willing to try it for a while, but I’m not convinced she can be my “one and only.” She’s still iffy with her male friends. She makes things up to win arguments. And she keeps me at a distance. Don’t misunderstand, though; she’s not all bad; I just think some bad things have happened and she’s built up some defenses as a result.

I think that’s where things get tricky. I really want to get to know her better because I want to understand where she’s coming from, but there are other women I want to date, and things I want to do with someone that can’t involve her (Hint: It’s not a good idea to bring a recent rape victim to a class on rope bondage). Her emotions are not my responsibility, but I care enough to call things off before they get too far if she’s going to be hurt.

Also, I see hints of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in her.  These may be the result of trauma, but I’ll have to get closer to tell for sure.  If it is narcissism, I’ll definitely have to end it.

I’m seeing her again tonight and we’ll no doubt have a chance to talk things out a bit more. I’m curious to know where things are headed.

standin’ on a chain

The Destructive Sex Spiral

I had another decent date last night. We’ll call her Tina. She was very sweet and quiet, much more mellow than a lot of the other women I’ve dated, but I think I like that because my personality is very similar. I haven’t given her a full dose of me yet, but we seemed to get along pretty well. She wasn’t even freaked out when I dropped the Bipolar bomb. It’s going to be hard to find time with her since she has the two kids and works evenings, but I think it will be worth it. Plus, Tina is the cutest one I’ve met, I think, though it’s close and I find them all attractive in their own way.

On the other hand, I’m still not sure where I stand with Nancy. We’re getting together tonight so maybe we can clear things up a bit, but I’m mostly OK with the gray area. Even though the whole sex thing has been on my mind (constantly), we’re not exclusive and I’m free to fulfill that need elsewhere; I just need to develop that kind of a relationship with someone else or I might go crazy.

Sex is a very important part of a romantic relationship for me, though. In fact, it’s a deal breaker. If a woman won’t have sex with me, then the relationship is over. Period. And if it doesn’t happen soon enough, then I’ll lose interest and pursue someone else. It isn’t an ultimatum, though. It’s something I need, something I want them to need, and something to bring us closer together.

For me, sex-or rather lack thereof–is really a cruel spiral. The less sex I have, the more sex consumes my mind. Soon I stop thinking about who I’m meeting and start thinking only about how I can get in their pants. Of course, that just makes it all the more difficult to meet someone worthwhile and get to know them, and then I’m turning off all the decent women who I’d really like to be intimate with, physically and otherwise, while attracting relationships I won’t pursue because I am so uninterested.

It’s a funny thing: When I’m getting it, I’m a babe magnet; when I’m not, I’m really not. It’s a hard thing to admit, and I hate being wired this way, but at least if I can admit it maybe I can figure out some way to deal.

always something deeper

Maelstrom

When it rains, it pours. Not only have I been seeing Nancy almost every day since I last wrote, but I’ve had dates with two other women and a date with a third tonight. Woohoo!

Of these three, they’ve all had aspects of my perfect mate, but none of them have been complete.

Nancy has been very affectionate in her own way and very honest except with a few things, like her other boyfriends (whom she swears are just friends). Plus, there still hasn’t been any more sex, which is kind of frustrating given that I feel like we’ve really made an emotional connection. Maybe our sex drives are just mismatched, but I’m not giving up on that yet. There’s more to a relationship than sex, though sex is a very important part for me.

Then there’s Date 2, whom I don’t think I’ll be seeing again. I went to IM her the other day and as soon as I said, “Hi,” she either logged off or went invisible. It was a shame, too, because we really had a lot in common as far as our personalities go, including an interest in an open relationship, which was interesting since she was almost twice my age. I definitely wanted to go out with her again, and she was a great kisser, but since she’s not interested I’m not going to sweat things. Besides, she has a horrible mullet.

As for Date 3, I honestly just wasn’t attracted to her and there was no chemistry in our conversation whatsoever. We had a lot of common interests, such as video games, movies, and such, so I was surprised we didn’t click a little better. I don’t think I’m going to call her back, but if she calls me I’m willing to give it a second try.

Finally, Date 4 tonight is really, really cute. She has two kids, which is a little bit of a downer, but it sounds like she’s well grounded and I love that she puts exclamation points at the end of everything. I don’t know a whole lot more, but she seems like a real sweetheart and I can’t wait to find out what else there is to her.

Oh, and Anne finally contacted me via E-mail, so it turns out she’s still interested after all. I’ll definitely see her again if we can plan something.

Wow! So I’ve been really living it up in the dating department. I have to admit that I’m starting to think more with my little head than my big one, though. It’s a shame I’ve only had sex once in the last couple months because it’s starting to affect my judgment. I’m thinking of asking out women I don’t even find attractive just because I know they’ll put out, or sometimes on my dates I find myself hypnotized by their bodies and unable to focus on their words. I try so hard not to be shallow; I don’t want to be that typical guy; I want to be attracted to who they are, not what they are. But the more time goes on the less I can think straight, and masturbation only helps for a few minutes. Sometimes I hate being a man.

At least I’m moving in the right direction. I hope I can find something sustainable soon.

Oh, and three of them know about my bipolar disorder and weren’t too intimidated by it.  Way cool.

fad, fading, fallen

Second Life Minus One

So I’ve figured Nancy out a little bit better now. You see, she plays Second Life, a massively multiplayer networking game that’s not so different than a giant chat room. She role plays as a couple different characters, and it just so happens that one of those characters is partnered to her ex-boyfriend, and the other character is partnered to the friend who is coming down next week.

These people that play Second Life take the game very seriously. It’s much more than a game to them; it really is a second life. They get married, have sex, cheat, date, dress up, and where Second Life stops and regular life begins becomes a kind of grey area.

So should I be jealous that her avatars in the game date other people? No, that would be silly.

Should I be jealous that she’s getting together in real life with the people she plays with online? No, it’s a different relationship.

Should I be jealous that the relationship they share online is going to spill over into real life? No, I don’t believe in exclusivity.

But should I be jealous that she’s probably going to fuck this guy who she only knows through a game when she won’t have sex with me, someone who knows and cares for her in real life? You’re damn right I am.

This relationship isn’t as promising as I thought. It’s been fun, but if this is how it goes then I have no interest in it from here. I won’t play second fiddle to someone she only knows virtually. I deserve better than that.

mercury sunrise